We're debuting a new free-form Friday column, when TBM staff are allowed to loosen their neckties and go off road a little bit. We're still looking for a section title - if you have any ideas, we would appreciate it if you commented with them. Please enjoy this piece in the style of The Toast - if X were your Y.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend, you'd meet at random in Harvard Square, bumping into each other and getting Dunkin Donuts coffee slopped all down your shirt. They'd apologize profusely and try to dry you off (it wouldn't work very well because they'd be using their coat) and would insist on giving you their number to bill them for the dry cleaning.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend, your first date would be awkward, but they would be likable enough for you to keep trying. "Sorry," they'd say, spilling coffee on you again after tripping on a crack in the sidewalk. "I can put it on my tab at the dry cleaners. I spill a lot." You'd laugh, but they would be serious.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend, your second date would end in the ER. "Sorry again," they'd say, tilting their head back to plug a bloody nose. But you wouldn't mind since the date was genuinely fun, even if it ended in a disappointing way. "At least it was exciting," you'd say, and you would hold hands until the nurse called for you.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend you'd bring them to a group dinner to meet your friend circle and they would be pretty low-key and everyone would generally like them, but they'd realize they forgot their wallet when the check came. "Just makes it easier to split the check," you'd reassure them, because you know they'll get you back eventually.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend they would be genuinely interested in listening to you and learning all about your day, partially because they'd forget some of the details and wouldn't mind hearing all your stories a second time. "Oh, I already told you about that," you'd say, embarrassed, but they'd put their arm around your shoulder and tell you to keep talking because the story was honestly brand new to them.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend they would forget to get you a birthday gift, but would be honestly sorry about it. They would immediately run back out to the store and put together a makeshift party for you with a sheet cake and mylar balloons that aren't strictly for birthdays ("Congrats, it's a boy!" one of them would read, grabbed with the others in the haste to check out.) and party hats with generic dinosaurs on them. You'd be stuck eating that cake for a week until it got stale, but every piece would remind you that the Breakers really did care about you.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend they would plan the best anniversary ever to make up for forgetting your birthday gift and you wouldn't have the heart to tell them that it was a week too early. You've tried getting them planners and syncing calendars with their phone, but you've come to accept that they'll always be just a little off target and that's okay as long as they keep trying in earnest.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend you'd both worry sometimes about one leaving the other. You know they're going through some stuff and you always do your best to be supportive but sometimes it gets a little much. They would come to you with flowers and an apology and you would resolve to be patient for a while longer. "I used to be better, and I know I can get back there again," they'd tell you while thanking you for always being there. You'd replay videos from happier times on your phone a lot during these periods.
If the Boston Breakers were your girlfriend they would know winter tends to get you down a bit and do their best to plan surprises for you until springtime. The surprises are hit and miss, but you know each one was planned with you in mind, so you act delighted for all of them regardless. Things are always better for you guys in the springtime anyway.