Welcome to freeform Friday, when TBM staff are allowed to loosen their neckties and go off road a little bit. Today's freeform is about Fireball cinnamon whiskey. Is it the best thing to happen to parties in years, or a hellish curse on civilization? TBM staffers Steve Stoehr, Jake Catanese, Jon Sigal, Steph Yang, and Matty Jollie weigh in.
Fireball. You know the drink. You've probably heard its name screamed out loud, syllables stretched to an unreasonable length as someone calls for shot glasses. There are generally two reactions at this stage: overhyped glee, or a rolling of the eyes. Once the topic got brought up in TBM group chat, opinions very quickly became polarized.
The divide between the two seems to generally fall along age lines. Older members of The Bent Musket have alternately called it "an absolute fucking travesty" and "hot grated ass." Mostly one older member.
Fireball is the sweaty runoff from Satan's taint after he's done running marathons over the tortured carcasses of his enslaved souls. It tastes like diarrhea feels. Literally nothing good has ever come from Fireball, EXCEPT POSSIBLY the prospect that a couple dashes of it in a good hard cider can be an acceptable to way to accelerate your evening if you've got both an alcohol problem and a sweet tooth.
- Steve Stoehr, TBM founder and managing editor, who specifically sent in this quote to be used so no one would be confused about his feelings on the matter
There are others on TBM staff who are on neutral ground, proclaiming that it is what it is. Jake thinks it's fine, but nothing special to get too hype or too mad about.
Jake: I honestly can't remember the last time I had Fireball, but I don't remember it being unpleasant. Would I turn down a shot of it if someone bought a round at the bar? No, but that scenario might exist once a year in my busy, busy social calendar. Give me a good craft beer over hard alcohol any day of the week...unless you have Jager, which is better than Fireball.
Then you have those who think it's actually pretty good stuff. That would be Steph and possibly Jon, although being underage he left chat with only his hypothetical feelings on the topic.
Jon: Cinnamon flavored whiskey mixed with apple cider? That sounds delightful. Actually, scratch that. An explosion of autumn flavor.
Steph: It gets me from point A to point ? with a minimum of effort and tastes nice on the way.
It was about this point that Steve barged in and entered "hot grated ass" as a flavor ranking.
But Fireball is so much more than just a liquor with enough other junk in it to cover up the fact that it's alcohol as you slam it back after your team just lost an entirely winnable game and sank to the bottom of the table. It's also a great mixer, whether you're adding it to hot chocolate or apple cider, and it helps make winter bearable. In Boston, where winter has been legally certified as an attempt to kill off most of the population and therefore any actions taken during a storm qualify as self defense, survival methods are important.
Then again, it does make Steve vomit on contact, so for some it may actually hasten death.
Perhaps fireball is whatever it needs to be for whoever calls upon it. It has no intrinsic value, but its effects are determined by how it is used, whether for good or for evil.
What do you think? Is Fireball unjustly maligned by haters? Is it merely a conduit for our vices instead of an active ruiner of lives? Perhaps we'll leave you with Matty's reaction to this all, which was to not play the game at all.
Matty: Graduate to Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire. Yesterday.